One of the most unpleasant feelings one can experience in life is being discontent with oneself. Whereas we are prone to notice negative features in other people, we rarely turn our eyes on ourselves to critically evaluate our behavior or personal qualities. But if we do, we can notice many traits within ourselves we would not like to be there. I try to stay tolerant towards the majority of my personality features. Though, simultaneously with my positive qualities, I can be a lazy, irresponsible, apathetic downer. I learned to live with these and other drawbacks; but the trait that I would enjoy getting rid of is my tendency to doubt my decisions.
It is human nature to doubt ourselves from time to time. Imagine the situation when the five best universities in the United States are willing to have you as their student. This is one chance in a million, and you know this decision could define your entire life. Most likely, you will not randomly point your finger at one of them and say: “I will study here” (well, not immediately, at least). Instead you will conduct serious research, figuring out the advantages and drawbacks of being a student of each particular university; you will sketch out your future career perspectives as a graduate of each of these universities, and check a number of other parameters. And after intense doubts and worries, you would choose your favored institution.
This is the most reasonable approach. But in my case, I am sometimes prone to doubt even after I made a decision. Most likely, I would choose a university carefully, make a final decision, and then doubt the decision for a while, even though I would be already studying there. In real life, such a peculiarity manifests in more everyday situations. To stay at home or to hang out with friends? Whatever I choose, I will spend some time thinking about the opposite variant. To buy chocolate milk or beer? To go to the cinema or to the theater? To spend vacations in the mountains or at the sea? Not always, but more often that I would like, I start to reflect about trivial decisions.
Would I like to completely quit doubting? I think not. Doubts are a natural mechanism that helps us make the best possible decision in each particular case; without this ability, we would most likely make random, uninformed decisions regardless of their possible consequences. But at the same time, when the decision is made, you must start working to actualize it without hesitation, and this is the moment when doubts become troublesome. The more you think over a certain action of yours, the more likely you will delay the realization of what is on your mind.
Wise people teach us to be tolerant towards themselves, and accept both their negative and positive traits. I agree with this thesis, but with one small specification: this acceptance must not be an excuse for not working towards personal development and growth. This is my approach towards my proneness to doubtfulness: I can live with it, I know it is mine, but I am persistently working on getting rid of this quality.
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Writing a Reflective Essay
When asked what one thing they would change about themselves if they were given the chance, most people would pick some physical attribute that's too big, too small or too crooked. A girl might wish to make her nose a little bit smaller, a little bit cuter. A boy might wish for longer legs or bigger muscles. An older woman might wish for younger looking skin. Sure, there are physical qualities I possess that I wish looked a little different. My nose could be shorter, stomach could be flatter, ears could be smaller, but what I really wish I could change about myself isn't physical at all. My physical flaws have never caused me any harm, because I tend to be fairly thick-skinned when it comes to what others have had to say about them. On the other hand, the qualities of myself that lie beneath the skin, the qualities that define who I truly am as a person are the only ones that have ever caused me emotional turmoil. I'm not saying I'm a bad person. I'm a good person, but I let others get away with too much, and I hate that about myself.
I often find myself being let down by others. Ultimately, I feel like I am letting myself down for allowing those people to be a part of my life. Many times in the past, I have exercised bad judgment when it came to certain people. I tend to always see the good in people, even when there isn't much of it. I give people chance after chance and they let me down every time. Sometimes, I wish I could be more like those people who assume the worst about everyone. At least then they are not surprised when people end up screwing them over. With almost every relationship I've ever had, friend or more than a friend, I have made the same mistake. Every time, I remind myself that people are not always as good as they might fool you into thinking they are. Majority of the time, you are being manipulated into letting that person into your life, only to be let down in the future. But still, I continue to let negative people into my life, only to be disappointed when the relationship goes up in flames.
Though some might argue that the flaw is not in my character, but rather, in the character of those around me, it is fundamentally the same. There are terrible people in this world, though not all people are terrible. My problem is, I can not distinguish between the good people and the bad people. Instead, I give them all a chance, which typically ends in heartbreak. I could ask myself why these kinds of people are attracted to me and my life, but I wouldn't have an answer to that. The only thing I know for sure is that it seems like most of the people I let into my world turn out to be bad apples. I regret most friendships and relationships I've ever had.
How, you may ask, can one fix this sort of character flaw? I wish I knew. I wish I could see from the beginning what kind of person I was truly looking at, but sadly, I don't possess that ability. It appears that most take this for granted. They take my time for granted and they take me for granted. The only thing I know to do is to keep reminding myself that not everyone deserves a place in my life. I must pay more attention to the actions of others instead of falling for their words every time. Anyone can say the right things, but it takes a truly good person to follow up their words with actions. I can only hope that, in the future, I will be able to make better choices in friendships and relationships. I'm tired of always being let down. I'm tired of always letting myself down. So, there you have it. If I could change one thing about myself, it wouldn't really be about me at all, but about the way I perceive others.